Be funny. Good evening, Mr. President. Nice to see you, sir, and your lovely wife, Nancy. It’s It’s a big treat for me to fly all the way from California to be here for this kind of money. Marty, I I need somebody to get a phone book so you can see me. I say something. You’re supposed to say I should have known better.
I’ll say For the kind of money you’re making, leave the car. Learn a thing. You got to pop out drill. Sit in there and study. With your method acting with the breathing and the Read the lines and let’s get out of here. No one in Hollywood could force the most powerful superstars or even seasoned politicians to sit there and take the hits in silence, except Don Rickles.
Frank, may I say publicly to you is the bomb of the year. Dick Cavett’s would have had a turnout. It’s all over, Frank. I know you don’t like to hear that. It’s gone. Oh, I know. not right, Dave. We’ve been friends a long time. Exactly. And you’re not that big that you can’t be in it. I know.
Well, I wanted to be I tried to be in it. Don’t beg now. Don’t beg. The guy The guy comes into town and he says, “Okay, I’ll be here 2 days.” And I said, “Well, I’m not even in town.” And he said, “Okay, goodbye.” Yeah, well. you think that made me feel? I HOPE BAD. HE DISCRIMINATED AGAINST absolutely no one, white people, black people, rich or poor.
Rickles roasted everyone with the exact same ruthless fairness. God bless you, black people. I love you. I really do. As you’re laughing here, I’m sure one of you guys is up in my hotel room robbing me. And I love the black people. We need you people. I swear because no Jew’s going to make up a train. Well, Marty, you have a great future ahead of you.
Maybe instead of Jesus Christ, we’ll do a story about a rabbi. A rabbi schlepping a piece of wood someplace. Many tried to imitate Rickles’ style, but they all failed because all they had was rudeness, while Rickles possessed charm. Shirley, oh, that’s right, they’re honoring you.
Uh, Shirley, I say from my heart, I never read your book and I don’t plan to. We go back a long time in the Sahara Hotel. You were always a great star then. And you reminded us every night what a great star you were. People loved every second of it. So, this Stiller, you’re a dear friend. God has given you the way you look. Do not be ashamed of it.
When you were born, you probably hit the wall. Chinese? Japanese? Filipino my ass, you’re a I’ll tell you this. Three years in the jungle looking for your uncle. Don Rickles’ greatest weapon was never a carefully prepared script, but his lightning-fast ability to improvise with absolutely anyone who wandered into his line of sight.
I want to thank Sugar Ray Robinson who said to Rocky Graziano in the fifth round, “Hey, baby, YOU’RE HURTING ME.” WE NEED PEOPLE LIKE BOB HOPE. He’s not Irish, he’s not Jewish, he’s not Italian, he’s not black. Just all-American guy. When he was born, he he came out of his mother with a flag wrapped around him.
Jimmy Stewart, one of our great stars. Rickles’ true genius was this. He could fire off a vicious insult while simultaneously borrowing the victim’s own facial expressions and mannerisms to reenact them, turning the target into a living caricature right there on stage. Sugar Ray is a great champion.
Sugar, we’d ask you to talk, but you know the blacks, YOUR LIPS LOCKED. FRANK SINATRA’S FRIEND PLANS TO KNOCK you off, MANGONZO MANGONANZO. BOB HOPE JUST turned around. Is he trouble? Don Rickles’ recklessness sometimes pushed things dangerously far, most famously during a disastrous roast that forced the legendary Milton Berle to storm onto the stage himself just to shut him I kid Jack Benny, a great star, God bless him. Milton Berle, great people.
This is wonderful being here at the home. And I say this from my heart. NO, IT’S A JOKE. It’s a joke. IT’S A JOKE. I TAKE IT BACK. I SAID IT’S A JOKE. RICKLES’ outrageous confidence also dragged him into hilariously awkward situations like the time he got forcibly kissed while passionately delivering jokes on stage.
No, no, not that. NOT THAT A TRY. FRANK SINATRA MAY HAVE BEEN THE undisputed king of entertainment, but in front of Rickles, Sinatra became just another guy getting turned into the punchline for the audience’s amusement. Guido says hi. He hasn’t had a chance to talk to you. And from Jersey City, your good friend, Bubani Umpazzo.
What does that mean? He started his car He started his car with your album on, and now HE’S A HIGHWAY. OH, GOD BLESS YOU, FRANK. I MAKE FUN OF YOU. WHAT COULD YOU do to me? We used to hang out in the Sands Hotel in Las Vegas in the steam room in the afternoons. And we all had bathrobes.
Remember Frank and I was the rhino and had bathrobes with our names on it and I was called the rhino. He laughed at that. He always laughed at anything that hurt me. I go to all the Italian restaurants. I go and eat that food and I enjoy it. I do that all for you, Frank. I DON’T EVEN LIKE THE TUNES.
I BUY ICE FROM YOUR PEOPLE. When Gino Mangiananza calls me, Marco Papanazi, Piccolino Tonino, Don Tony Tonino. They all call me. Irish. What do you call them? Isn’t he great, Frank? No, but Frank’s Frank’s? Listen, Frank. Do me a favor. Give me a break. I got relatives living in Jersey. Really. Not for long. President Ronald Reagan and even members of royalty all became targets of Rickles’ attacks.
To him, there was no such thing as a forbidden subject on stage. Greatest thing I can say to Governor Reagan or Reagan, whatever they call What do they call you, Governor? Now, the gentile gentleman here had no idea a kipper. That’s a Jewish fish. Don’t be dumb. I hate a dumb guy. HE WOULDN’T BE GOVERNOR IF MY PEOPLE DIDN’T GO, “OKAY.
” THE GREATEST MOMENT I REMEMBER IN YOUR career was when you said to Pat O’Brien, “The Gipper is dying.” Ignoring every taboo of the era, Don Rickles became one of the first comedians bold enough to impersonate President Ronald Reagan right in front of the man himself. But I will never forget the stories I’ve heard that you’re standing on the White House lawn throwing what rocks at Richard Nixon’s window going, “Dick.
” Don’t beg. Don’t beg. Tell them like a man. You’re an actor. Phony it up. Just stand on the lawn and say, “NOBODY THERE.” EVEN POWERFUL ICONS LIKE LUCILLE Ball received absolutely no mercy or special treatment from Don Rickles. This is one of the greatest nights of my career. This wonderful packed night, really, to honor Lucille Ball, a great lady, a woman that I worked with on our television show, bless her heart, and she was the one that said to me, “Uh kid, come here.
” You are as beautiful as ever. My wife said to me last night, as we laid in bed, she said, “Is Lucille young?” And I said, “Baby, young is not the point. It’s what’s in your heart, right, Lucy?” Lucy? Put her in a home. Uh In a Hollywood overflowing with fake compliments and manufactured politeness, Don Rickles was one of the very few people willing to say the harshest truths directly to the faces of A-list celebrities. Henry Fonda.
Henry Fonda. You and Jesse in the barn with Frank, the whole thing. With Jackie Cooper. You were so good, Henry. God bless you. Now it’s time to quit. Japanese over on the end, he didn’t want to go for the table. Anybody Bob Hope, as you all know, he’s in the back standing there with three soldiers and American flag saying, “Find another war.
” The more people threatened him, the more fearless Rickles became. He treated every warning like fuel to perform even harder on stage. Don’t be afraid. Ruth Buzzi. Funny part of it is, I find her attractive. YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME AND THERE’LL BE TROOPS IN FRONT OF YOUR DOOR TOMORROW. THEY CAN’T DO NOTHING CUZ I TAP DANCE.
NO ONE SUFFERED THROUGH Rickles’s mockery more brutally than Johnny Carson himself, the king of late-night television, who still stood completely powerless against Rickles’ unstoppable mouth. Johnny, I’d like to say from the bottom of my heart, nobody likes you. You’re a vicious guy. Go back to back in Nebraska and get a fungus all over your body.
What do His mother was supposed to be here tonight, but the pickup broke down. The last time this man went to his wallet, Chesty Morgan’s picture moved. THAT’S his lovely wife. I KID YOU, JOANNE. You’re a wonderful girl. Remember the old days when you DID NIGHT TRAIN? FEEL A HEEL AFTER instead of sitting up there 12:00 at night INTERVIEWING HUNTZ HALL.
I I KID YOU, JOHNNY. And the honorable mayor, I say this in jest, but I have to apologize cuz you’re a wonderful man. Remember backstage when you came over to me and said, “I’m the mayor.” In the end, Don Rickles wasn’t just a comedian. He was a one-of-a-kind icon who proved that the most genuine laughter sometimes comes from the most brutally honest insults imaginable.
