-Oh, my God, you have the same rule I have. You think you have to sit down second. -The host — you do have to sit down second. -Yeah, I know, but you kept thinking… You were trying to make me wait. But I’m the host. -I’ll tell you the rule… -I would have waited you out. -I’ll tell you the rule that I do, is that I got to do something I never get to do with the guests, is that if we hug, my head just now was downstage.
-Oh! -I always allow the guest’s head to be downstage. -That’s — I think I do, too. -Yeah, well. -I don’t think about it, though. -I think about everything I do, every moment. I’m crippled. I’m crippled. -So none of it comes to you naturally. -I’m second-guessing every action, yes. And then we go back and we re-edit the entire show.
I do every moment of the show three different ways. We go, “No, no, try this. Try this. Give me the B option.” -Well, you were here 10 years ago, and you actually, you remarked that you… This is a moment where you had exactly what you’re just talking about. -It’s been 10 years? -10 years, and you came out on this show and you had a moment where you realized…
-10 years ago, I guess… Had I already gotten the new gig or was I about to? -You knew you were doing it, but hadn’t started. -I was going, “Well, I’m going to be a network late-night talk-show host. I don’t need to put any effort in.” -Right. -I am that guy. -Yeah, you can just come out and do anything. -I’m just kind of, “Whatever, I’m me. Enjoy that I am.
” And I walked out onstage thinking, “Oh, Seth’s a friend. This is going to be fun. I don’t have to put any effort into it.” And I walked as far as this seat and I went, “This is a huge mistake.” [ Laughter ] “I should really put any effort into this.” And I think if — I’ve watched it. You can see the moment.
Do you have it? -Yeah, we have it. -You watch, you’ll see the moment when I realize I should be professional on some level. You have it? -Let’s take a look. [ Cheers and applause ] -How are you? -Wow. Hello. Hello. Happy to be here. -Thank you. -Wow! -Breaking it in. You’re breaking it in. -Look at this new set.
-Isn’t it something? -That second “wow” is where I went… That first “wow” was not nearly “wow” enough. [ Laughter ] -It is wonderful to have you since… I mean, in the last year, you had something very special happen. You won the Emmy. Congratulations. -Yeah, that was very nice. That was a lovely night. -It was a great night.
-Great for the staff and everything like that. -Truly lovely. Evie was there. We had a good time. So much more fun if you win. -Oh, my God, yeah. -Yeah. -I mean, I will say… So, I wasn’t there because we weren’t even nominated. [ Laughter ] But I am gonna say something that may… Well, let me know, because I think you might actually agree with me.
I think it goes like this. You go and you win… -Yeah. …you don’t get nominated, don’t have to go… -Yes. -…you go and you lose. -100%. 100%. -Yeah. -I mean, going and losing… -‘Cause if you go and you… If you go and you lose, they’re like, “This is ridiculous. This is crazy. Why do we do this? This is all bull [bleep].
” And then if you go and you win, you go, “You know, it’s good that we get together at least once a year just to celebrate the art form.” [ Laughter ] Yeah. And then if you go… If you’re not nominated, you’re like, “Was it tonight? -Yeah. 100%. -Yeah. -But I will say, like, it was very special, and I was very happy when you won.
-It was really lovely. -And one of the things that’s changed in the last like three years, you know, in our category is that we’re all a lot closer because we did a podcast together called “Strike Force Five.” -Right, during the strike of 2023, something like that? -Yeah, that sounds about right. -That was a lot of fun.
-You, me, Jimmy Fallon, John Oliver, Jimmy Kimmel. -Exactly. -And it was so… I mean, I enjoyed it a great deal. Like, one, we were, you know, we were making — we were raising money for our staffs, who were currently, at the time, not working. -Yeah. 12 episodes, raised a ton of money. -And it was really nice to be closer to everybody who does this for a living. -Yeah. You really…
For me, you really turned a corner. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -I went, “Yeah, I get it.” -You were kind of there… -“I get it now.” -You were already there on the other guys. And I remember the day you were like, “Hey, you know who I was wrong about?” -Yeah, yeah. I shouldn’t attack him when he’s not around. –
But it was, I mean… -We’re raising money right now, actually, uh, on the new show. -You’re auctioning off items on eBay that were connected to your show, and I was blown away how successful this has been. -Over $200,000 we’ve raised for… -That’s incredible. -…World Central Kitchen. -Great. -José Andrés’ World Central Kitchen. -José Andrés, one of the greats. -Yeah.
-And you auction off ties, costumes from your show. -Yeah. Props, uh, tickets to the final show, stuff like that. We actually have… We actually brought something. -You did. -I don’t know if you’re okay… -And I feel like, I’m very excited because… -Are you okay with this? -Of course. I mean, it’s for a good cause.
I wouldn’t let you sell stuff, like, if all the money was going to you. [ Laughter ] Like, I wouldn’t be okay with you using this platform for that. But if it’s a good cause, you can auction. -It’s a good cause. This is all for World Central Kitchen. We are looking for props that people might enjoy, and I’ve got this thing that’s been rolled up in the corner of my office for years.
And I don’t know if you guys remember, there used to be senator from Arizona named Jeff Flake. He was a Republican senator. Very nice, really lovely, reasonable guy. And I went to go see him years ago. I forgot why I was interviewing him, a bunch of people on Capitol Hill. I think it was the last time I went to D.C.
And I’m riding around Capitol Hill on a Segway or something, trying to look for somebody to talk to me. And he had this rug. He had a little area rug in his office that said “US Senate.” And this is what… May I? -Yeah, yeah, please. -Can we see this, please? Why did they give you such a small rug? -[ Chuckles ] -There’s not even…
There’s not even room for the “unum” on the “E Pluribus” here. -You know, that’s what you get when you’re a freshman, I guess. -Do you get to keep the rug? -‘Fraid not. -This has to stay behind you? -This does. -So, if I took it with me today, that would be a problem? -Big problem. [ Laughter ] -Well, we, uh…
-We got it right there. -We have it right here. [ Cheers and applause ] I tied a really tight knot in this. [ Laughter ] Trust me, this is the rug. -You’re so mad you didn’t bring your knot guy with you. -You have editors. Okay, so here it is. -It’s beautiful. -Here’s the rug. [ Cheers and applause ] This is stolen. -Yeah.
-If you would like to aid and abet me, if you’d like to be an accomplice in a federal crime from stealing this from Capitol Hill… Do we have the, uh…? -Yeah, we’re gonna put it up there. There you go. -Colbertlateshow/eBay or go to that QR code, and you can, uh… -You can bid. -You can bid on this. -You can get a stolen goods.
-Yes. This is… This is — this is a late… “Late Night with Seth Meyers” exclusive. There you go. -Alright, I have two questions based on that. One, uh, you look pretty good on a Segway. That’s not… That’s not digital effects. How are you on a Segway? -It’s a skill, like anything else. Have you never ridden a Segway before? -I’ve never ridden a Segway. -There’s nothing easier in the world.
I almost decapitated an audience member with a Segway once. -Okay, so there maybe is something easier? -I literally fell off of it, and it shot into the audience and barely went by somebody’s head. And I got a note from the lawyer from the network saying, “You may not ride your Segway onstage ever again.” -That’s very fair.
Also, you mentioned that’s in the corner of your office. Are you somebody who — is your office just sort of filled with the detritus of 10 years of doing a show? -It’s a compost heap. Yeah, yeah. -And I feel like, uh, is this similar to you? Like, we get gifted a lot of things that are, like, too nice to throw away, but not nice enough to do anything with.
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yeah. Just, like, really nice gestures that, like, nobody in your family wants you to bring it back to the home. -No. And a lot of liquor. -Yeah. -Yeah. I’ve started giving stuff away to my staff. We do a drawing every Thursday. -Yeah. -And I just… I’m just giving stuff away to the staff, too.
-That’s very nice of you. Um, I have something to give you. -What? Really? -So, I do a thing on my show called Corrections. -Oh, I love it. I have a Jackal mug. -Thank you. Oh, you have a Jackal mug? -I went, I paid… I paid with my own money to get a Jackal mug. I love it. -That’s very kind of you to say.
And some people — we have a P.O. box, and people send something in. And so, I got an invitation to a wedding, but it was, um… It was “Lord of the Rings” themed. Like, if you can see… And like, look, they’ve got, like, a little map that looks like it’s burned. -Ohh! -And it’s really great. -You got invited to a wedding? -And no, I didn’t. So, I thought I did.
And then I opened up an envelope — sent to my P.O. box — that starts, “Dear Stephen Colbert.” [ Laughter and applause ] This was mailed to me. And, by the way, at no… Look, at no point does it ever say, like, “Thanks, Seth.” It’s like literally, they just assumed I’d give it to you. So, anyway, March 20th in California, if you want to go. -Oh, March 20th and 26th.
They’re getting married twice. -Twice. Is that… Is that something that happens in your weird hobbit world? -Oh, okay. [ Laughter ] -I don’t know, I didn’t get to the… I didn’t get to any of the wedding scenes. -No, I actually have no idea. -Can you read, uh, hobbit-ese? Like, I mean, by the way, this is…
But, like… -Yeah, that just says, “Elen síla lúmenn’ omentielvo,” which means “a star shines on the hour of our meeting,” but that’s basic [bleep] right there. [ Laughter and applause ] I mean, that’s what Gildor… That’s what Frodo says to Gildor Inglorion of the House of Finrod when they first meet at Woodhall.
-I knew it sounded familiar. -Yeah. -Um, but I did… -Thank you. Do I… Is this really? -Yeah. You can keep it. I reached out to, um, uh, my Jackals, which is what I call the people who give comments. And I said last week, “Hey, Colbert’s coming on the show,” because sometimes in my YouTube comments, people are like, “Hey, will you tell Stephen he made this mistake?” Because Corrections is the place…
Do you want to hear ’em or not? -They attack me through you? -They don’t attack. They gently correct. -Yes, they do. They’re Jackals. -Yeah, they are Jackals. They are attacking. Would you like to hear some of the things that people said you’ve gotten wrong? -I’m hesitant to say yes, but please, I would like to hear from the Jackals.
-“Stephen said one time that the Great Wall of China can be seen with the naked eye from space, which is untrue.” -I’m sure you’re right. [ Laughter ] -See, it’s — See, it’s fun. -I’m sure. [ Laughs ] I’m sure it is. And you… Okay, go ahead. -This is one I get all the time. Uh, you have a segment called Monkey News “or something.
” By the way, I love how they’re so specific, and they’re like, “I don’t have time to google.” -It’s called “This Is a Monkey-mergency.” It’s whenever there’s an escaped primate of any kind. -Yeah, you do it like twice a week. -We have a monkey-mergency. Yeah. -“Your monkey emergency, uh, has a chimpanzee in the graphic, which is an ape, not a monkey.
” [ Laughter ] -Hey, man… -I know. -Does it eat bananas? [ Laughter ] That’s my question to you. Does it eat bananas? -“Please tell Stephen Colbert it is ‘a historic,’ not ‘an historic.'” -Oh, no! It is “an historic evening.” Same way you would say, “Oh, I enjoy, I enjoy listening to an harmonica.” -Okay. Is that really how you’d say it? -That’s how I would say it. -But nobody…
-Can I say something? -I’ve always said “an historic.” What? -But the problem is, like, does anybody ever enjoy listening to an harmonica? [ Laughter ] -It’s better than an tambourine. [ Laughter ] -Oh, “Bluey’s a girl, not a boy.” -I did not know that. And I don’t judge. I’m not laying that on Bluey. -Yeah, yeah. That’s great.
And, by the way, why would you know it? Your kids are like, ehhh… -40. -Yeah, they’re like 40 years old. -I have triplets. They’re all 40. -So, now I want to address some sad news in July — -Do I have a drink? Do I have a drink here? -Yeah. You have a little drink. -Oh, yes, I do. Go ahead. Yeah. -Okay. So, um…
I don’t… It’s, uh… In July, it was announced that your show, uh… your show was canceled. [ Laughter and applause ] -What? What? -Nobody told him? -What? -Nobody told him? -Ugh! -Um… -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -You’re out of practice. You’re out of spit-take practice. -Really, I am, yeah. Yes. Uh, this is our last season.
We’ve got four more months. -This is your last season. Very sad. It was shocking. [ Audience booing ] Um, I saw you, uh… You know, I think it happened at the end of the week. I saw you on Monday. A bunch of us stopped by. We all talked in your dressing room. -Oh, that’s right. Yeah. That was very nice of you.
-And I heard you talk about, uh, our friend Jimmy Kimmel. How are you… -Yes. -Have you… Do you have more perspective, different perspective on it now? Is it sort of, uh… -Well, it feels real now. -Yeah. -It did not feel… I mean — I mean, I know it was real, but now there’s four months left and I… You know, the shows are fun to do, but what I really love is the people I do it with.
And we’ve been putting together this… I mean, there are people I’ve been working with… I mean, my, uh — my Shoemaker, Tom Purcell… -Yeah, of course. -…I’ve known since 1988. -That’s crazy. -And so we’ve all been together forever. So, uh, listen, you can do comedy a lot of different places. There’s no place like the Ed Sullivan Theater.
No offense. There’s no place like the Ed Sullivan Theater. But it’s really the people. That’s really what I care about. And that’s really what I’m going to miss more than anything. And we’ll do something else together, but it feels real now. I’m not thrilled with it. -I mean, I feel like neither of us ever take it for granted.
But I do think it’s that weird thing that it’s just, like, built into your life when you have a show like this is you just get to see people every day that are funny and help you process through, uh, oftentimes the things that we’re talking about, which are — which can be difficult. -Right. Right.
You know, we all saw what happened this weekend, which was incredibly corrosive to the soul and how we feel about our own country. And I got to talk with Josh Shapiro about it all night, got to talk about with the governor. And that’s an incredible gift. And, um… Uh, anyway, I’ll always be grateful for that. Um, is Lorne here? -Lorne Michaels? -Yeah. -Why, do you want to…
You want to talk to him about something? -Would you tell him I’m available in June? -Yeah, yeah. -I don’t know if he’s still hiring. -Oh, to — Not to host? You want to, like, just work on the show? -I need a show, man. I need a… -I would love to talk to him. -Not for the cash. I’m fine for cash. It’s just Evie…
Evie will want me out of the house. -If I can tell Lorne you will work for scale, that will help. That will help. -Please do. -Uh, when do you… -I do a Bill Clinton impression. [ Laughter ] That’s the last time. -That’s what you have? -That’s how long ago I auditioned for “SNL.” -That’s right, you auditioned for “SNL” with a Clinton.
-1998 or something like that. 1997, something like that. I was so old that I… It was so long ago I auditioned for “SNL,” I auditioned with an Al D’Amato impression. You don’t even remember who Al D’Amato was. -By the way, I will argue that in 1998, that was also not an impression they needed. [ Laughter ] -Hey, man! -Because, you know, looking back, I’m like, “Well, they didn’t need a D’Amato.
Who had a D’Amato? -Wait, were you on the decision-making team? -No, I wasn’t there yet. I would never have passed… -When did you…? -’01. -Oh, yeah. -Yeah. I also did a D’Amato. [ Laughter ] It would be really funny if Lorne was just still kicking himself after letting you go in ’98. -Oh, I’m sure he is. -Yeah, yeah.
-Again, is he here? -He’s not here, but he watches every night. [ Laughter ] This is gonna get back to him. Um… Someone will tell him. I think someone will tell him. Do you have a final show date? -Oh! Thank you, Seth. [ Laughter ] Yes. This is… Where am I? I’m here? -Yeah. Take it. -This is… I figured this would be great.
This is a Peacock exclusive. -Oh, my God, thank you. -You’re welcome. -We almost never get exclusives on Peacock. [ Laughter ] -Or NBC. I just figured it would be best to do it… -You should do it a second place so that people hear. [ Laughter ] Start with Peacock, though. Start with Peacock. -Is that our final show will be…
…May 21, 2026. -Alright. -Mark your calendars. -That’s, uh…Thank you for sharing that with us. -You’re invited. -I would love to be there. -Do you have a show that night? -Um, not anymore. -Okay. Good. -You, uh… I know people always ask me about, uh, dream guests. Do you have one that you’re trying to land before May 21st? -Yeah.
The Pope. -The Pope? -American pope. -American pope. You met the last pope. -I did. -Yeah. You had to go to Rome. -I went to Rome. Me… Fallon went, came with us. -Yeah. A lot of comedians. -I invited you. -Yep. -And you said immediately… -“No way.” [ Laughter ] I did your show the night you had to leave. You literally left the Ed Sullivan Theater to get on a plane to go meet the Pope.
-I literally had to get in a helicopter. -Wow. -To make it to JFK in time to go to Rome. -I was gonna say, you can’t take a helicopter all the way to Rome. That’s insane. [ Laughter ] Um, but this… -I got on a jet ski. -But, now, be honest. -Yeah. -Last pope would not be a good talk-show guest. But new pope, I think… -Oh, he would’ve been…
Any popes are pretty good. -No, but come on. New pope’s the one you want. -Well, of course. American pope. Chicago Pope. -Yeah! Of course you want the new pope. -Come on. Pope Francis would not have been a good talk-show guest. -He would have been an infallible talk-show guest. [ Laughter ] This is — this is…
This is good that you did not meet the Pope, because this attitude… -I knew… -This attitude does not go across in the Apostolic Palace. -Yeah. -Those Swiss guards would take that halberd and just take you down. -No! They do? If you… -In their big pantaloons and everything. -If you roll your eyes in the Apostolitic chamber? Is that what you called it? Is that — Wait.
-Apostolic Palace. -From “Back to the Future”? [ Laughter ] -Yes. Exactly. Great Scott! That’s what the Pope says. -Was that from your audition, as well? [ Laughter ] -Who else did I do? I did impressions. I think I would’ve had to do impressions. -Didn’t you get — Cagney, right? You got a Cagney. -“Meh, see? Mehhh!” -Yeah.
-You did your Cagney to make your D’Amato look more topical. -You know — You know, my… You’ve seen my De Niro, right? -No, I haven’t. What’s your…? -“Meh, see, I’m Bobby De Niro. See? Mehhh!” “Meh, you’re gonna hire me, Lorne, see? Mehhh!” [ Laughter ] -Look, don’t misplay your advantage. I don’t want Lorne to see all this stuff.
But there are some rumors. Obviously, we’re adding “SNL” to the rumor. -Do I look okay? -You look great. -Thank you. -Um, can I… -And thank you for wearing a jacket. -Of course. It’s a big deal for me to have you here. -It’s a big… It’s a big deal for me to see you in a jacket. -Thank you.
And, you know what, anytime you want, I’ll send you a picture. Um… I’ll have some on my phone to send. These are rumors. These are Colbert rumors — you can put them to bed or not — of what people think you might do next. -Oh, okay. Yeah, there’s been a whole host of things that people have speculated that I will do next. I’m neither going to confirm nor deny any of these.
Or many of these. -Okay. -‘Cause I got to keep my options open. -Uh, someone… It was written that you’ve signed a $13.5-million deal with Netflix. -Not enough money. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -Uh, that you might run for office, maybe even president? -I’ve heard that one. -Yeah. -I’ve heard that one.
[ Cheers and applause ] Obviously… Obviously… Obviously, I mean, that’s something I have discussed with my faith leader and my family, and if there is some way for me to serve the American people in some way that could possibly be greater than a late-night television show… [ Laughter ] …I would consider that. But obviously I’ve heard that. Yeah.
I get it. How about that? I get it. -Yeah. But FYI, uh, it’s… They pay less than 13.5. [ Laughter ] -Not anymore. -Not anymore. That’s true. I know, it’s pretty good, pretty good… -That’s a pretty good job right now. -Colbert Coin? -Oh, my God, we’d love that. Starting a show with the following people — Rachel Maddow, Tom Hanks… -Yes. Yes.
-…Jasmine Crockett, Simon Cowell. -Yes. -All five of you? -All five of them. Yeah. -The new “A-Team.” You guys are gonna be the new “A-Team.” -We’re on the run! -You’re on the run. -Falsely accused. -Writing a book about, uh, J.R.R. Tolkien. -Always. I’m always doing that. -You’re always just working on it? -Exactly.
-That’s not the “Who Shot J.R.?”, is it? -What? J.R.R. Tolkien? -Was that the one that was “Who Shot J.R.R.?” -I don’t think so… -Okay. -I don’t know. -Um… -You know it’s important to me, right? You know Tolkien’s really important to me, right? -Yeah, yeah. “The Lord of the Rings” guy. -Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Very, very, very lonely, sad young boy. He’s the only thing that pulled me out of… -Oh, you’re doing fine now. He pulled you out. Now let him go. [ Laughter ] He gave you — He gave you… He pulled you up. -Yeah. -He pulled you up. -Emotionally, I was gonna fall into the lava. -And then J.R.R. saved you! Now brush yourself off and make do without him! [ Laughter and awws ] Leave him for the other — Leave him for the sad boys of today! [ Laughter ] You announced a wildlife rescue program for endangered elephants.
-Not endangered… [ Laughter ] …but depressed. [ Laughter ] -Oh, no. Are you… -We’re worried about them. -Are you reading Tolkien to them? -Yes. Yeah. -Well, they’ll appreciate it, ’cause they… -They remember. They never forget. -Wait, I have a — Here’s what I think you should do. -There’s more? -Well, no, I have one.
-You have a pitch? -Yeah. -Okay. -I think you should do “Oh, Mary!” [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, really? -Yeah. -I think you should. I mean, I think you should be on a Broadway stage. -I should go in for Cole Escola? -Yeah. -Wow. -I genuinely think — ’cause that’s the thing. People think, like, “Oh, Seth wants him to play Lincoln.
” No, I want you to play Mary. -Oh. That would be a ton of fun. -Yeah, yeah. -No, no, I would have a great time. -So I’m just throwing that out in the universe, ’cause I think it’s a really good idea. -Thank you very much. Would you do Broadway? -Uh, no. -Okay. [ Laughter ] -I don’t think people want to see me on Broadway. I can’t…
-Do we want to see him on Broadway? [ Cheers and applause ] You know you can’t give me that. -I mean… -You can’t give me that. -Um… -Have you started parting your hair? -What? No, it’s… -Have you started parting your hair? -I don’t know, it’s just… Is it part– Does it have a severe part? -Well, some part? I thought it used to mostly come forward.
-No, you’re right. It does have a nice part today. Ooh! -Yeah. -I want to change my Broadway answer now that I see this part. Um, hey, uh, I’m very… I’m really, uh, sad that you’re coming to a close. I feel very lucky to have been doing this at the same time as you. I said this 10 years ago when you were on the show.
When I was in Chicago, I saw you onstage at Second City and you blew my mind, and you were the kind of person that I wanted to do what you were doing. You’ve been really inspirational to me for a very long time, and I’m really grateful to know you and to both be your colleague and your friend. You’re a very special person. So I just want to say thank you.
[ Applause ] -Thank you. And thank you… [ Applause continues ] And thank you, uh… You’ve — You’ve been just lovely to have a colleague across town, and Seth and I will occasionally write each other notes about, “Oh, I saw this thing you did last night,” or, “I really liked this interview,” and I admire what you and your staff do here, especially on the darker days, what you’re able to make, make comedy out of it.
And I admire you enormously, and I hope you will do this for 20 more years. -Well, I promise, uh, and I hope you will meet the promise that we see each other often, because you’re a very nice person to see. -I’ll see you… on Broadway. -You guys, Stephen Colbert! [ Cheers and applause ] “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” airs weeknights on CBS.
